Friday, June 26, 2009

Shades of grey

I believe the world is enveloped in shades of grey. Colours like black and white are sheer reflections of the colour.

Look around us and we realize the concept of good and bad is extremely subjective and relative. Do I believe in a perfect world or a perfect person or a perfect life ? According to me, its too ideal a thought to even exist .

Inside all of us lurk grey thoughts and emotions which do not surface unless we look harder. Sometimes, we do not wish to see or feel them and tend to push them under the carpet of human emotions. Many times, we do not even wish to come to terms with them. But try as we may, we cannot refuse to acknowledge or justify or even wish them away..and I think thats part of being human.

State of mind now - Restless, edgy, escapist, confused & angry with self. Above all feeling human

Thursday, June 25, 2009

All's right with the world

My mind is brimming with a series of disconnected thoughts and emotions. They are disconnected because there seems to be no logical connection between each other. My mind is hyperactive .

Following one's thoughts is like walking into a maze..sometimes you do not have a way out and yet, its an interesting journey . A thought abruptly ends or disappears or merges with another thought. Sometimes a completely different stream of thought picks up from where one leaves( I choose not to use the word ends, as I do not believe there is an end )and moves on to another thread.

Here is an attempt to follow and express one of my thoughts which seemed to have a flow..I think I managed to track this down the maze and here it is...

I woke up this morning trying to stay positive - weed out negative thoughts, influencers and triggers. It wasnt meant to be. My mind was pregnant with a lot of worries and cares. Fear found its place in it- fear of facing pain, dealing with the aftermath of pain and a sense of futility and fighting alone. I was confused and wondered if I wanted to go through this. I didnt have an answer to it.It was pulling me down . I needed strength and I wasnt sure where to find it. Something told me that it was probably lurking inside me . A minor disappointment added to it. I realized that my mind had lost its ability to deal with NO's. I needed my safety net.

I walked up to the lake, hoping to lose myself in the crowd. While I was tempted to seek solitude, sometimes feeling alone in a crowd gives you the same feeling. As I was walking,listening to the voice of nature, I saw myriad feet walk along with me..some walking towards me, some walking away from me. I didnt look up to see the faces as the momentum of the feet fascinated me . There was a movement in life, of people walking along, chugging their own burdens, their worries, their joys , their little moments carrying on with life.

A gentle breeze stroked me, brushing against my hair, almost lifting me from the surface of earth. I felt like I was travelling outside my body .Like sand particles, the breeze dusted my cares away.The sky was covered with small puffy clouds huddled together,creating another pattern as the sun tried to peep outside and look down on earth

I watched the ripples on the lake . Each one was erased by another,while more ripples formed, overwriting each other. And yet, the lake flowed in peace, calm and quiet,feeding the birds, the fish , the insects . The breeze mischievously disturbed the patterns but the lake seemed to create it all over again.

I paused after an hour of walking and looked at the momentum in nature. The whole world seems to tell me that I was just a microcosm in this entire universe and my cares are probably too microscopic to be even ackowledged. They were one of the many ripples on the lake, constantly erased by the powers of nature. And its only us humans that make a big deal about a single negative moment, a bad day or a minor disappointment . Nature just erases them without bothering to analyse or even think about them.

I moved on realizing that I have to do what I have to do, go through what I have to go through and move on...

Just remembered Frost, " In three words, I can sum up what life is.It goes on."

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Shadows ...

She looked at their long thin shadows that drew a pattern on the sand. They were distortions, an exaggeration of their relationship, she thought. Shadows can never be real .And yet, they are an extention of the self as they can never exist by themselves.

Her mind flitted through the various shadows of the past that merged into the present. The shadows of relationships, the murmurs of conversations, the echoes of laughter ..she carried them with her. And yet, as every relationship faded into another shadow, she wondered why she hadnt learnt from them

Where do you draw the line ? Questions punctuated her mind. There was a conflict of emotions. The feeling was too strong to shrug it away and yet, it was just a shadow of an emotion that flitted in and out of her mind.

The shadows of the past interrupted her . The vulnerable moments, the emotional dependency ..she wished she could let go, feel a sense of gay abandon . And yet, she wondered whether she had let her guard down .

The sun changed directions and the shadows diminished . Were they for real, she asked herself or just empty emotions to fill the void ? She walked into the mind of the shadow..did she really feel them or were they just shadows of her own feelings.

They were delusions like the shadows she pursued .Her dilemma continued. Should she step outside the shadow and see the real world or step outside the shadow and let them see the real her ?

Silence spoke to her..

She heard the voice of silence calling out to her. It spoke to her in a calm, soft tone. Touching the deep recesses of her mind, drowning the murmurs of whispers that rose , it reached out to her, reassuringly.

Her mind lay swollen like a flooded reservoir unable to contain the barrage of emotions that drowned her thinking. She looked at the static sky and wondered about the dynamics of life. The night was quiet, veiled in a thick blanket of clouds, shutting life out, lulling the energies and presumably lost in a deep slumber.

She looked again and the night sky opened up its mysteries to her. It lay naked but potent . She saw a certain brightness in it, a vibrant spirit , a wave that swept her and gently washed her , cleansing her .She wondered at the energy the night sky concealed within its fold. The momentum thats hidden, that one doesnt see and feel- the tiny stars that twinkle, the thin layer of clouds that move, the waning moon that shines, the gentle breeze that touches your skin.

The emotions left her, leaving her with a sense of nothingness that made her feel complete. Her mind was like a seive that filtered them out while the vacuum filled her. She could feel her thoughts empty her being, passing through her self like wind blowing through the surface of waters causing gentle ripples but not affecting the flow . She could feel the rhythm , the slow rocking of emotions that filled her with a passion that gently released itself from her clutches, unlocking her .

It was a feeling that she could identify with - a sense of being lost,to be a microcosm in this entire universe doing its little bit to be a cog in the wheel.

She felt a sense of ablution . The thoughts bathed her down,leaving her empty and yet full. She embraced this vacuum, it filled her with peace .

She started to unthink . Let go said the voice of silence and she just stood there watching herself being released .